A Mini Maze and A Tender Seek

Running far, running fast, running away. Sure the act of running can be beneficial when speaking in terms of cardio for the human body. The emotional act of running though, this is where the maze of life lies.

Within the privilege of growing older lives the fast forwarding of time. Laying here now, in a home that keeps me physically safe, on a bed that provides deeply restorative sleep and in a bedroom that is a sanctuary to me, I fall into a repeating challenge which thrives under the roof of my home. Why do we stay in situations that we don’t love? Maybe this is due to finances, poor timing or some form of physical block, yet I find more often than not this choice to stay is connected to fear. Fear of stepping into the unknown. Fear of being happier. Fear of loving oneself more. Fear of treating the self with love. Fear of feeling supported. Fear of time. You know, it’s actually funny how often the choice to stay in fear trumps the decision to step out.

Recently I have been battling with the fear of time. Yes, you heard me right, battling. I know nothing wholesome comes from the place of battle, actually the exact opposite. With the battle comes the misalignment of ones truth and development of DISease. Although there I was, there I am, battling the illusion of time. Growing older and wiser, all while becoming deeply aware of the delicacy of time. The time to love; to fully embrace, surrender and feel in to love. The love of self, most importantly, followed by the love of all others. Will there be enough time? Will I surrender enough and learn the lessons needed to fully feel into this love? These questions will remain unanswered, possibly forever, yet possibly for just another moment longer. The answer is within me, for me, while the answer is in you, for you.

So many humans have been on a journey of deeply powerful and vulnerably beautiful soul searching and personal aha’s, all due to the current pandemic. Running; this recurring lesson that life will forever bring, then a moment arises and the race begins. The pace at which I travel varies depending on the environment and the energy which surrounds, but recently I have been quickly jogging. This flame within is beginning to stir, to burn bright once again, begging me to pack my bags and leave. What am I in search for? Only I can answer this and only I am running from the answer.

Fast forward months later and part of the the answer to this question was revealed. This question of running I speak of is now so clear. I have for so long been running from myself. Running from the full surrender of loving myself. Somewhere down the path of running came the unveiling of self love. Maybe this moment is lasting for a blink of an eye or maybe it’s everlasting, only time will tell. Regardless of how long this love lasts for, I am fully surrendering and choosing to soak up all the feelings now, while in the present.

The opportunity presented itself (as it always seems to do) to step more fully into a space of loving safety and nourishing vibrations. A new hOMe filled with tenderness, peace and opportunities. Opportunities to grow, to learn, to live, to heal. Mmm, yes to heal. When was the last time I actively agreed to heal? This dark, terrifying and lonely cave houses the beating heart of love. Curiously enough, the experience in this cave doesn’t have to be one of fear, sadness, anger and anxiety, but can be an exploration of acceptance, worthiness, ease and love. It’s the journey, we are our own captain, and the vessel is one that we choose to live in; my human, my Renée, my body. Together we are embarking on the seas of darkness, yet with the compass of self love we are being guided towards the gentleness of the waters.

We leave you with this; we, my soul, mind and body. With the hands of grace and delicacy, embrace the wheel of your ship as you would your most prized possession. Steer your vessel towards the direction of the unknown and surrender to the love that is forever and always present. If there comes a time when fuel or guidance is needed, lean on your community and embrace the support of those who accept you for you. Authentically show up for yourself, while you kindly choose what’s best for you.

Choosing love, embodying love, feeling love.

XO Chia aka Renée


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