On the way to Lovers Leap, Tahoe I shared how my experience climbing outdoors was limited to Bouldering; a style of rock climbing that involves free climbing on rock roughly 10 to 20 feet tall. Then there I was, 100, 200, 300, 400 feet above the ground and fully involved in a beautiful flow of movement. The second day involved climbing roughly 350 feet of rock, which brought challenges due to the difficulty of grade, mixed with the vulnerability of my exhausted mind. Shaking muscles and quick, nervous breathing took over my body’s reaction to the second day of climbing.
Months pass on and the importance of connecting with my breath only strengthens. There are many moments during the day I realize my breathing is short and rough or only little puffs are entering in and escaping out. Some days I am one with the ease of breathing, taking long, deep, nourishing breaths, while other days I send my attention towards that which affects this human system.
Falling backwards into the rotation of previous cycles and false truths encompassed me recently. The emotions I feel at the summit of a challenging peak, surrounded by the loving stillness of the mother herself, is pure ecstasy. These emotions engulfed me within the thrill of new adventures and pure connections, followed by the suffocating silence between thrills. The inability to inhale air, followed by the fear of the stories I told myself which I thought to be true, led to the unhealthy cycle of pleasing others, yet blocking love from myself. It’s interesting how “we” throw ourselves into experiences and that gut feeling (some may call intuition) sparks a flame within, yet the mind and heart redirects to the feeling that is longed for. This intuitive warning is here for me always, sharing subtle warnings that have the possibility of feeling like air itself no long supports my being.
Gratitude sweeps over my wholesome heart while remembering these feelings are truly only temporary. The support of breath, community and healing movement spreads light over this beautiful life. I guess these moments of mindfulness and living have led me to a path of understanding cycles and the manifestation of suppressed emotions.
During my 29th year of life I battled physical illnesses and injuries. Maybe the challenge was born from the homeopathic ways of healing or just plain mental and emotional pain. Rolling gracefully and lovingly into my 30th rotation of life, the powerful understanding of the dangers connected to physical manifestation has grown roots deep into my core. With a student mindset the lessons have tested me time and time again. On this last exam the answers have flowed through with confidence and grace. The magic does not lie within the activities of practices engaged in. Meditation, journaling, breathing, yoga, time alone; these are all but tools to support the main goal.
SHOW UP for YOUrself.
Stay present for the emotions that are tearing through every cell to shake and rattle the very heartbeat of life. The chosen activity of course helps to achieve the act of showing up, yet ultimately the moment the mind goes back to storylines and negativity, worry or anger, the work that was done unravels back to the dark emptiness the escaping first took place in.
We make choices, then we live with them. Choices leading to love, joy, bliss and excitement nourish the future moments of wholesomeness. The choices made within the chaos of fear or the unknown can bring us to a variety of future experiences. It’s within the moments of heartbreak, injury, illness, mourning or disappointment where the option to run is deeply present. Whether the running looks like eating, drinking, smoking, hiding, physical release etc, the degree to which I embrace the run is sometimes powerfully harming.
While climbing outside, I am engrossed in the shift of movement that guides the body towards catching the small formation of rock. Thoughts running through my mind as I breathe deeply and remember how the system is safe, it’s my mind that is fearful and possibly damaging. With a burst of powerful courage and self love I blast myself with positive affirmations and loving words. Just like moments of climbing or the journey of meditating, the courageous choices of living will forever lead to falling. Some falls are more gentle, while others have room to be treacherous.
It’s interesting how the human mind would rather hide and run then feel and deal with the emotions looking to be heard and released. Maybe one of my favorite aspects of climbing is how I don’t have the option to run. I can’t hide. I have to show up, listen, and learn. Even within the practice of meditation I find myself floating within the storylines of the mind, based off of fear or discomfort, instead of sitting with the simplicity of the breath. My journey with rock climbing does not leave room for escaping. Each and every time I show up, because I don’t have another choice.
The reason to express is to be heard, heard from anyone who will listen. Maybe some may heal and maybe a few will feel inspired. Expression is here to be heard. Now, as I continue to make my choices and create the journey of living, I must hear my expressions. Messages of love, healing, strength, and overall queenlike success.
Thank you for listening. Here’s to us all having the safety and courage to be heard.
Much love from this Western state,