I called it being used ::: I had the chance to transform :: I now call it being scared
I was scared to change, because I was fearful of what would happen if I chose to follow the unknown.
Months passed by and the continued choice to stay put and experience the consistent life of unhappiness stayed present. Working passionately and the very best I could, yet the stacking of harm continued.
Taking their advice–hearing their advice–ignoring their advice–choosing to continue my path of unhappiness, frustration, and struggle all for the “comfort” of familiarity.
It is simple. I agreed to the opportunity of a new experience. From the beginning I had this expectation in mind and promised myself I would not make the choice to continue if this expectation was not made. Advocating for myself stayed present, while the strength of the walls blocked the beauty and truth of what was right.
There comes a time when the discomfort, the pain, the heart ache overpowers the urge to stay put. The intensity of truth wipes clear any chance of continuing the life of the known. The decision to take control of my life, my finances, my happiness grew so strong and bold—probably because I no longer had a choice in the matter.
Change is scary, yet a main part of life. Change provides experiences. Through experiences we meet people, these people who become part of the journey. This journey morphs into the breath of the universe; the world. If we don’t welcome in change, this portion of life gets passed on by, erasing the opportunity of excitement, of magic.
Hysterically caught up in an aggressively heartbreaking morning. Swollen eyelids, dry eyes, clear tears, low energy, shaking cells – my body was releasing all my emotions I had held in for such a long time. The release of truth, confusion, embarrassment…quite honestly, the main reason was simply sadness. My mind racing back and forth between what was and what is — this was brought together by a multitude of reasons, yet the outcome was simply pure loss.
Maybe there were hundreds of thousands of moments where I had the opportunity to make a different choice, a choice that would have thrown this coaster on a different track, causing a ride unlike what became. Yes — this is true; there were many times where I could have stood up for what my truth was. Regardless of what could have been, what is here is here. This extremely sensitive time in life where I realize it doesn’t matter the type of person you are, because life will constantly throw challenges into ones world regardless. Though this isn’t to say one should stray away from actively being the best person one can be at any given moment.
Weighed down by truth, while floating through the infinite ocean of life. Although time may be irrelevant, there is a pace in which life runs, which will never slow down or speed up. Experiencing the deep sense of heaviness and questioning, while coming to the realization of a coming transition, causing strong wishes for this period of time to pass on by.
What I am speaking of involves a multitude of scenarios which have compacted, then combusted into the perfect storm. The eye of the storm looks like self advocating and truth, while the debris surrounding is a disgusting mess of sadness, frustration, anger, heartbreak, confusion, and disappointment. Through the lens of a telescope this storm has the vision of a shaky yogi reaching–searching–frantically yearning for balance. When I am balanced there is this inner feeling where I am able to do whatever is in service to myself, my loved ones or the community. While feeling healthy, strong and confident, there is this sense of success which grows within my center. Although the unfortunate moments where the feeling of this grounding sensation continues to hide, the only thing to do is figure out how to actively feel and live within the discomfort and pain of these moments.
These feelings are only temporary, for everything is temporary.
I am moving into my twenty-eighth year of living in this life. All moments of past, present and future have formed my path, my beliefs, my love. Exploration of living through these years has led me towards the belief of universal life; things happen for a reason and these reasons are formed for the purpose of learning, of living. Spiritually believing that the universe is here and supporting each of us — now with this support, my journey to trust is one which I see as a heavy burden. What I strive to learn is how to experience this as a smooth and healing process.
I share my feelings, my thoughts, my experiences to vent, to support others who may feel alone in their own state of hell; simply healing through the process of thinking, typing, experiencing and sharing.
“Wake up and fight” ||| “This will pass” — Stringing words together to form change; two life changing expressions shared by two different people. Two people who have changed my world in such deeply supportive ways. These words we share with one another, words which change lives, words which support the journey of healing, the experience of living.
my very heart and soul,